R U OK?… Are You Really Okay?

by Dana Mrkich

R U OK? Day encourages Australians to check in with friends, family and colleagues—and to keep those conversations going throughout the year. Asking ‘Are you really OK?’ can open the door to a more honest conversation about how someone is feeling.

Life and work pressures can trigger a rollercoaster of mental and emotional responses, including:

• Worries about job security and financial stability
• Anxiety about the future
• Health-related fears
• Overwhelm from juggling work, caring responsibilities and family life
• Loneliness and low mood linked to social isolation or feeling disconnected from friends, family and community
• Family and domestic violence, which disproportionately affects women and children and increased during the COVID-19 lockdowns, when it became known as the “Shadow Pandemic”

Almost one in five Australians experience some form of mental illness in any given year (Productivity Commission, Mental Health Inquiry Report, 2020). Conversations like an R U OK? check-in matter because so many people who are struggling don’t show it outwardly.

While people can often pull together with a sense of togetherness and resilience during a crisis, Professor Ian Hickie from Sydney University’s Brain and Mind Centre notes that this kind of acute-stress response can only be sustained for a short period before it gives way to something more draining: prolonged, chronic stress.

Recent years have increased mental health awareness, escalating it as a priority across Australian workplaces. However, there is still a deeply ingrained belief among many people that mental health issues are something we should be able to shake off. People can feel shame about feeling how they feel and internalise it rather than reaching out. Others just learn to live with it: feeling sad, depressed, numb, angry or overwhelmed becomes their normal. We would never dream of walking around feeling chronically unwell without attending to it if it were a physical health issue, yet the very nature of a mental health issue can prevent someone from getting the support they need.

Men especially are less likely to seek help, with too many still feeling it is a weakness to acknowledge something isn’t quite right. More than 3,200 people die by suicide in Australia each year, and around three in four of those deaths are men (Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, Suicide and Self-harm Monitoring, 2023 data). Women have higher rates of intentional self-harm. While conversation alone will not prevent every instance of self-harm or suicide, it can certainly open doorways of much-needed communication, and ideally, lead to appropriate counselling and assistance.

Why aren’t we having “R U OK” conversations more often? We can feel helpless when we see or suspect, that someone we know is suffering. We aren’t sure what to say and don’t want to make things worse by saying the wrong thing.

The R U OK Day initiative recommend 4 simple steps that could change a life:

1. ASK: If you are concerned about someone, ask them how they are going. Be relaxed and friendly in your approach. You can be specific about things you have observed, for example: “I noticed you’ve been quieter than usual lately.”  If you are working from home, or simply don’t see someone as often as you used to, it isn’t always as easy to recognize changes in a person’s behaviour as when you see them more often. It is important to pay attention when you realise a friend you usually chat to regularly hasn’t called in a while, doesn’t respond to messages or sounds different when you talk. There may be a reasonable explanation, but rather than assume that they’re just busy or tired, it doesn’t hurt to ask: “Is everything okay?” or “Let me know if you need to chat about anything.”
2. LISTEN:  Listen with your full attention – don’t be scrolling through your phone or checking emails at the same time as the person is speaking.  Let them talk freely while you listen with an open mind and heart.  You aren’t there to give advice, offer well-meaning platitudes or fix anything. Refrain from making any judgements, assumptions or diving in with a comparison story about when this happened to someone else you know. In this step, the person just needs to be heard, and to have someone care enough to just listen without interrupting them or dismissing their feelings.
3. ENCOURAGE ACTION: Once they have freely spoken and said all they want to say, you can then ask some questions to encourage their movement forward. A few examples given by the R U OK Day initiative include: “What have you done in the past to manage similar situations?”, “What is something good you can do for yourself right now? Something relaxing or enjoyable?” and “What can I do for you right now?” If they have been feeling distressed, depressed or not themselves for longer than 2 weeks, encourage them to speak to a health professional. Rather than say “You need to talk to someone” which can feel quite overwhelming/confronting, you could say “It might be helpful to chat to an expert who can support you. Can I help you find the right person to speak to?” The focus then becomes more on the solution – on someone who can help.
   
   If you have serious concerns that the person is at risk of suicide, rather than asking “Are you thinking about hurting yourself”, a more powerful question is “When was the last time you thought about hurting yourself?”  Be with them as they call a health professional or make an appointment to see one.
4. CHECK IN: Keep in touch. Put a reminder in your diary to give them a call in a week or two – or sooner depending on the situation. Let them know that you’re just checking in to see how they’re going. Don’t judge anything they may or may not have done since you spoke. They may have just needed someone to talk to that day. Don’t underestimate how helpful you’ve been. Knowing someone cared enough to ask ‘Are you okay? Are you really okay?’ and took time to listen to the reply, can change a person’s life.

R U OK Day is a particularly good day to check in with your team. Reassure them that it is okay to not always be okay. Emphasise that support and resources are available for anyone who needs to talk or reach out.

Holistic Services Group offers a range of workplace mental health workshops, including stress management and resilience training programs to support your team beyond R U OK? Day. Call us on 1300 889 073 or enquire online to talk about building ongoing mental health support into your workplace — we respond to all enquiries within 12 business hours.